I was 14 years old and we were at a skating ring. He was my boyfriend and we were messing around in the hallway in front of the bathrooms.I wasn’t supposed to be there. I was literally banned from going to the skating ring because there were too many older men and I was what my mom called “over developed”. But there was, with my boyfriend, who was 18 at the time, kissing and giggling.I was still giggling when he pulled me into the men’s bathroom. I stopped giggling when he started to pull on my pants.

“Stop playing” and then “not yet”. Then “I’m not ready”, then “No!”I remember saying please stop. And it hurt. I don’t remember the pain as much as I remember the shame. I was so embarrassed, this is what she meant.

This is what happened to girls who hung out at places like this. This is my fault. To this day I lie about how I lost my virginity.

After it was all said and done, he waited for me to clean up and walked me out. I think he was clueless and to this day doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. I went on to accuse him but nothing was done because I went into the bathroom willingly and he was my boyfriend. I lost my dad over the ordeal. He called me a slut in therapy and never looked at me the same. How could his babygirl put herself in that situation? Why didn’t I just listen? This is what happens to fast girls. I was less than now. I was no longer special.

Im 30 now. I still remember that fucking bathroom. Im still considered fast. My dad has never forgiven me. Listen to your parents. Its not worth the thrill.

How did this affect my relationships to this day? Honestly its not the bathroom the messes with my relationships today. After it happened I refused to be alone with a man or have sex for a little over a year. But I eventually had sex and got over it. I think it was the severed relationship with my father that was the worst. Validation is what I seek to this day. I have done things im not proud of, I have been with men who looked good and have a lot but treated me like shit, I have debased and degraded myself for the sake of acceptance and love. Like real true, it doesnt matter what you do love. And to be completely honest I have hurt people who probably did really love me but because that particular crater in my heart cannot be filled by a guy or girl other than my actual father its a fucked up cycle.

How I Deal now… I don’t. I ignore it. Im definitely wiser and more open to recognizing problematic behavior.  And I have mini powwows with myself, but im still attracted to the shittiest men and I still way to much stock in my physical appearance and my need to have it validated often.