He Felt Like Sunshine To Me

When I was 22 I wrote a 5 year plan about all the things I wanted in life. I wrote in detail about plans for my career my health, fitness level and appearance, I also wrote about my personal life. In that plan I wrote out all the things I wanted in a man. He was the reason I believe in manifestation he was everything I said I wanted.

I met him a year before we started dating we actually worked together. I remember when I seen him for the first time he felt familiar like I knew him from somewhere. I thought he was handsome and had a little swag for a Somali dude lol so I  told my best friend who was also Somali that she should talk to him, she asked me to see what’s up with him. Before I had a chance he was gone and that was it, I didn’t think too much about him. It wasn’t until about 6 month later when he reappeared and I was like Damn what’s going on here!

I didn’t know it at the time but he was actually the nephew of the owner of the company we worked for. By this time his aunt and I had gotten very close and she had become somewhat of a mentor to me and I loved and respected her very much. With that being said I felt that dating her nephew was just out of the question give their culture. For months we flirted around each other and before I knew it I had a full on crush on him. I decided that I wanted him which meant I had to position myself to make him pursue me. You know in the way a woman with pride pursues a man by making him pursue her lol.

His aunt invited me to a family wedding and I seen an opportunity to make my move. My friend and I set out to making me so fly for the wedding that he wouldn’t have a choice but to step to me especially when he seen other guys talking to me. My plan worked perfectly lol. I asked him to walk me to my car when I was about to leave the wedding.  I knew I had him when we got to the door and it was raining and he still wanted to walk with me. So we walked my car and he asked me out that night and the rest is history.

I don’t love easy and I was trying not to love him but I fell hard. He was everything I had wanted in a man he was fun and playful, he was patient and gentle, he was family-oriented and generous and most importantly he was always there, not in a weak kind of way it was like we were best friend or brother and sister we just wanted to be around each other all the time there was no pressure.

I feel in love with him on a summer night, literally I remember the night I knew that I loved him we were on a walk and we started playing around and jumping on stuff like little kids. I could be myself with him and for the first time in my life I felt comfortable being vulnerable with a man.

Things went on this way for the most part with me occasionally freaking out and letting my insecurity creep in.

On December 22nd, 2014 our love story came to an end. That day he gave me a hug and kiss and told me he was going to take care of some business and walked out the door. That was the last time I seen him as… HIMself. I remember being so mad at him because it had been days and I hadn’t even heard for him we never spent more than a day away from each other except for the two times I went out of town with my friends. This was obviously not normal for our relationship and my pride did not allow me to call him. I remember it so vividly when I got the call. On December 26th my friends called me on three way and I remember my best friend yelling at her to tell me that I need to know. My friend was a friend of the family and when she heard the news she didn’t’ know how to tell me. Eventually she said that he was in ICU with a brain injury and in a coma. My mind started racing I was panicked I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life. When I got to the hospital to see him there where like 50 people in the waiting room and all down the halls people where everywhere. I was taken back to see him, when I walked into the room the first thing I noticed was where they had shaved his hair and the bandages around his head. I had always loved his hair.   As I got closer to him I seen he was swollen with tubes in his mouth. I collapsed I couldn’t believe what I was seeing this couldn’t be. The mark on his chest made it real, I couldn’t take it I was overwhelmed with panic. Looking back on it now I think that is the moment my heart broke. I spent every night with him this obviously caught the attention of his family. After the first week his aunt who was like the matriarch of the family and a beloved mentor to me asked if I can come talk to her alone. She told me that he had told his uncle about our relationship and she wanted to hear it from me. I told her the truth and answered all the questions she had. She hugged me and protected me from the families question and made sure I was comfortable while staying at the hospital with him.

He was in coma for two and a half weeks these were the most to tortuous weeks of my life. I was exhausted, drained and heartbroken. My friends convinced me to come home and sleep one night and that was the night that he died. I remember I was sleeping and something calmly woke me up and told me to look at my phone. The message read “he passed away”. I laid in bed motionless without making a sound for hours. I think it took me about 4 hours before I could cry.

That day my life changed. For the first few months all I did was shower and work and pray. I remember looking in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself.  Most of that time is still really hazy I fell into a deep depression that I still struggle with to this day. I can’t say that I wanted to kill myself but for the first time in my life I understood why people do take their own life I was just waiting for my life to end at that point. Eventually I threw myself into work and working out all the time. I started working 14 hrs a day sometimes more. I also lost faith in my religion during this time. I was searching for a remedy or solution to my unhappiest and pain and everyone told me to pray so I did desperately prayed for HIM for myself. After about 6 months of this I burnt out and fell into a deeper depression I stopped working and working out I was just home in my room I had to have gained 50 lbs by the time this phase passed. I was angry and lashing out at my family and isolated myself from my friends. I stayed in this space pretty consistently for about a year. In 2017 was the first time I felt like myself. One day it felt like the gray clouds that had been over my life just moved on and the light came in. I feel like I have been able to move forward in some areas of my life like my career and relationship with my family and some friends. It’s been almost 4 years since he was taken from me and up until about a month ago he was the last person I kissed. For a long time I felt like I couldn’t be with anyone else like I was betraying him. Now I just don’t have interest in being in a relationship or loving someone I don’t know if its out of fear or that have I gotten so comfortable being alone.