Uncomfortable

I remember in my early 20s thinking that by 30 I’d have my life together. Ha! I’m not even sure what that meant. I think I was under the impression that somehow the insecurity and doubt and feeling of not knowing myself just disappears with time. I now realize the lie I believed in the sayin “Time heals all wounds.” It doesn’t. We’ve just become so used to learning to suppress the pain, for so long leaving it unaddressed that the idea of facing it seems a lot more painful and uncomfortable. Not realizing it’s keeping us in bondage, Tainting our view on life, coloring it with the assumption and mistrust we’ve learned to help us from our past. I recently became more aware of just how much of my life has been rooted in fear because of the undealt with pain. Causing anxiety, keeping me stuck in a worst case scenario mind set. Feeding the negative self talk, constantly in a state of imposter syndrome. I’ve learned to cope by being palatable, people pleasing, having plenty acquaintances while being avoidant of genuine relationships as that requires too much risk and vulnerability. Keeping a safe distance between myself and others. The unaddressed trauma just taught me to build thicker walls. Convinced that I’m doing myself and others a favor. , Not realizing that my craving connection while being socially distant created a gap, that I learned to cope with people pleasing and seeking validation. It’s become so exhausting that it’s anchored me in this place of confusion. Not knowing who I am. Doubting my abilities, questioning my purpose, uncertain, unfocused, and uncomfortable. I feel like I’ve been standing in quicksand and the longer I’ve lived my life this way, the harder it’s become for me to get out. I’m ready to get out but realize I’ve been relying on my own strength to do so for too long. The only way to get out is with the help and grace of God. ‘For where we are weak, he is strong.’