My Experience

When I was the age of 22 I was raped twice 6 months apart from each other. Both situation included alcohol. The first situation the guy was under the influence and the 2nd time I was drugged by my friend's boyfriend friend. Both situation had damaged me mentally. I had serve trust issues and I had become an alcoholic over it. I began to drink to not remember anything because I remembered both my incidents. To me living life in a blur was the answer at the time. I also became afraid to say no and stand up for myself. I have gotten in relationships because of the fear of saying no even if I didn’t like the person. I've been in sexual situations where I did not want to do anything but did it anyway because of the fear of it is going to happen to me weather I want it to or not. I was my way of trying to gain control over what had happened to me. Since my situation I have just now decided as at 27 year old women to go to counseling. I have suppressed my rapes so long I found myself being anxious, depressed and unhappy as I went through life. I gave up on the idea of being loved by someone and just lived life focused on my career. There have been times where I had to stop consensual sex due to having a flash back or some type of reminder my rape while being sexually active. I can honestly say my relationships have been effected tremendously due to my past. I decided to seek help because I realized after every failed relationship I always brought it back to my rape and when my relationship would get rocky I would do everything to fix it even if I wasn’t wrong because I didn’t want to feel like a failure or worthless. I always feel like a failure even if I’m not the reason the relationship didn’t not work out. I would always think they just wanted me for sex. Then my mental health started suffering so my Dr., who is a black woman suggested I seek help. To anyone going through something similar I would tell them they are not alone nor the only one. What they are going through and feeling is normal.